Fidgetin'

It's never funny to wait for the result of sth that is extraordinarily important to u while at the same time nothing constructive can be done at the moment. that's exactly what i'm goin' thru right now...

damn, this is hard...the results for my toefl test score plus my application for lehman brothers both will come out by this friday...everyday, the first thing i gotta do when i turned on my laptop is to check my gmail account as well as the toefl ibt official website. life is packed with nerve and anxiety. what escalates all this is that i dont even have sth that can serve as a vent, thru which i can effectively let go my feelings. i just feel extremely emotionally drained, no, also physically drained, since the fucking insomnia has almost killed me...

confidants are so hard to have, as least in my case...i've been complaining about this ever since i became conscious. mom keeps on tellin' me that: stop being picky! what's the problem with that girl? why not just hang out with her?? i said, oh no, mom, u dont get it...i'd rather goof myself off than having the company of someone who is really boring and inane. my dad introduced me to this typically plastic and materialistic girl who works here in beijing. actually, i've been hanging out with her almost everyday for the past two weeks while i'm waiting for the results. My mom is really mad and disappointed when she got to know that i would sleep over at her place again yesterday. she yelled at me: what can u get from her? she's sooo empty and shallow! oh yeah, that's dead-on...but i cannot get anything from others anyway...plus, life is such a burden for me right now, i'd rather find some place where i can feel totally relieved and comfortable...a place where i can escape from the doggone stress and uptightness.

dear mom, i hope u could understand...it's not like that i judge people only according to their exterior, but the psychological burden is really freakin' me out...i do need a psychiatrist, for a neurotic and paranoid girl like me...anyways, please dont stop prayin' for me...God, please let me go thru this eventually! just let me have them! right now they are the only cure!