Poor sap

man,what can i even say to u, lehman brothers? that u sort of tantalized me at the very beginning and continuously shedding a huge ribbon of light of hope into my world afterwards for the past 2 months while eventually deprived me of everything leaving me nothing but a has-been delusion?

now it seems soooo empty, soooo quite, not even any spark of hope left. all my efforts have been turned into vain, a piece of worthless crap. i still cannot believe that why on earth this actually happened?? give me one reason, God...since i just cannot understand it....it's like i've been much toooo pathetic and unlucky for years and i've been going thru varioius rejections for like, say, countless times...why can't i just amount to sth??? ok, the worse is that, i always get rejected at the very last minute...i'm soooo stereotyped of being competitive all along the way while eventually getting turned down. this just sucks big time. i just fucking hate it.

oh, lehman, how can i say that i hate u?sorry for being rude...i should feel sooo grateful to u that u took an interest in me in the first place. "u cannot always win". that's down right the truth!i know it. well i just never expected that finding a summer internship is that harrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrd...

while, i can expect a long torturing summer, goofing off...doing nothing specific...life sucks.

Man, this is killing me...

Shooooooooooooooooooooooooooooot!!! yet another paper got rejected!! i just dont get it? why on earth would it get rejected??boy, doing research is never funny...

besides, the long, endless, tiresome, hideous waiting ordeal is absolutely killing me...please, lehman brothers, what took u so long to render a decision? i'm perfect for this job! trust me!

God, believe me, nobody would be more suitable for this!I've got my qualifications and I WILL dedicate myself completely to this internship if I can get it! please, just let this happen soon! i've been so mentally tired of this waiting period, fidgeting about everything while losing the attraction to anything else...

Dear Lehman Brothers, my Lord, please, just let me have it...

Fidgetin'

It's never funny to wait for the result of sth that is extraordinarily important to u while at the same time nothing constructive can be done at the moment. that's exactly what i'm goin' thru right now...

damn, this is hard...the results for my toefl test score plus my application for lehman brothers both will come out by this friday...everyday, the first thing i gotta do when i turned on my laptop is to check my gmail account as well as the toefl ibt official website. life is packed with nerve and anxiety. what escalates all this is that i dont even have sth that can serve as a vent, thru which i can effectively let go my feelings. i just feel extremely emotionally drained, no, also physically drained, since the fucking insomnia has almost killed me...

confidants are so hard to have, as least in my case...i've been complaining about this ever since i became conscious. mom keeps on tellin' me that: stop being picky! what's the problem with that girl? why not just hang out with her?? i said, oh no, mom, u dont get it...i'd rather goof myself off than having the company of someone who is really boring and inane. my dad introduced me to this typically plastic and materialistic girl who works here in beijing. actually, i've been hanging out with her almost everyday for the past two weeks while i'm waiting for the results. My mom is really mad and disappointed when she got to know that i would sleep over at her place again yesterday. she yelled at me: what can u get from her? she's sooo empty and shallow! oh yeah, that's dead-on...but i cannot get anything from others anyway...plus, life is such a burden for me right now, i'd rather find some place where i can feel totally relieved and comfortable...a place where i can escape from the doggone stress and uptightness.

dear mom, i hope u could understand...it's not like that i judge people only according to their exterior, but the psychological burden is really freakin' me out...i do need a psychiatrist, for a neurotic and paranoid girl like me...anyways, please dont stop prayin' for me...God, please let me go thru this eventually! just let me have them! right now they are the only cure!

true friendship is a luxury for me..

why the hell is it soooo damn difficult to find a true friend? either it's too boring or too phony...or too dumb or too shallow...

i dont know what is goin' on with me....suddenly i'm becoming such a fastidious prick with an ego panache, but i just cant find the people here interesting enough to make buddies with...

maybe it's just my problem..i'm a weirdo probably...i remember i used to fight with a girl from high school almost everyday at that moment, however we became truly soul mates after we graduated and our friendship is sustainable, i have no doubt about that...

friends r important, i know..that's why i feel sort of lost in my life...i've had the whole world, but i also missed sth that is indeed precious and unparalleled.

u just can't be good, can u?

sometimes people just keep on renderin' decisions on a whim, be it a sheer lunatic or a doggone sensible person...hate it or love it, i'm exactly like this....

yeah,here is my confession: i'm a mercurial and impulsive girl, i sometimes just cannot help doin' obnoxiouly willful things...which might be totally drastically immoral to some sense...

and PLZ, forgive me...whatever i've done, i did it out of a reason..i'm not an insane, irrational or desperate girl who easily loses her mind...
or maybe it's better off this way, aint it?

and i do hope that, things could work out for their best..

guys r not trustworthy

it's not the first time i've been told that it's plain stupid to trust guys. well, people keep on tellin me that, even musicians keep on endorsin such a caution in their lyrics all the time. but honestly, nothing speaks louder than the situation u've been through in person. and this time, i got seriously hurt...and cheated and betrayed...and it's somewhat a good thing that now i've become more perceptive and discernin, and of course stronger and wiser. thank u, JERK!

well, one month ago, i definitely dare not write a post about this shitty and unmemorable relationship. yeah, how can one do that if she still cannot help herself to tears? i cried myself a river, my heart was bleedin and with him, i just lost all my pride, dignity and confidence.
when everything was about to be over, i struggled my ass off to salvage it...how stupid it was, huh?for a guy like that?? a guy who even doesnt know to cherish something he might not deserve?

yeah, i've been really really stupid....it's almost not me...it's always i who dump guys, guys never dump me for god's sake!! and everytime i'm in a relationship, i'm lovin and nurturin and indeed considerate and most important, monogamous. i dont know whether u've been honest with me or not, if not, then u'r a prick; if yes, then u'r just simply irresponsible. either way, it's the same for me.

yeah, u'r cute, but what's the point of being cute if he's not responsible? the world is never running short of cute guys. though i used to like u, i love myself more. i have to do sth to save myself from this purgatory...since i'm not ur everythin, how about i be nothin?
so i made up my mind to get u out of my head for good. and actually, as a matter of fact, it turned out to be a really good idea. now my life is normal:) i dont have to be fidgetin about someone like u, and i dont care what's goin on with u anymore. u dont mean nothin to me now, babe.

and girls, listen up, never stick with a guy who treats u like trash. since a nice guy would never do that to someone he really likes.

yeah, thanks dad, mom, my dear girls, i dont think i can pull through without u guys. now my life has gone back to normal and everythin is starting to get well again:) when u'r in a pickle, or at the verge of crackin up, just push urself to make a decision. believe me, everythin will become much easier!

intimidated

basically, a girl like me is not supposed to have that much stress and concern; however, i just cannot help being fidgetin' and paranoid all the time, every fuckin day, every minute and every second...

what the hell is goin on? can't anybody see there's a problem here? i work my ass off every day, man...i study and studay, and finish what i should do like a sheer idiot...i've been so intimidated by some even subtle possibilities of rejections, that's why i've pushing myself to an extreme for like, say, years already...while all the others seem to have a good time around, i'm sittin there, workin' and agonizin'!!

yeah, i'm a poor, pathetic and lonely workaholic...90% of my time is spent on some boring stuff...sometimes i'm acting like a hoe, really, but that only involves dancin', and THAT'S IT! and of course i dont feel quite well after that...but that's not supposed to be a reason to deprive me of everything, is it???

yeah, why i say this? since today i got a rejection AGAIN!! gosh, i hate u!! i've been rejected probably numerous times already, ever since the beginning of this torturin semester!!
it makes me feel like a loser....but u know, i'm NOT a loser, am I??? i'm pretty, intelligent and consientious, i know pretty well what i want, and i work on it seriously! i've never been as determined or perseverant as NOW!
however, my tolerance and dignity are NOT infinite!!! u gotta give me some FAITH, please!!

dude, this is shit....life is shit..researchin is shit...relationship is SHIT!!!! everything sucks!!